2.1 Radical Rewrite: Watch Your Tone! (0bjs. 4,5) The following demanding messag
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Question
2.1 Radical Rewrite: Watch Your Tone! (0bjs. 4,5) The following demanding message to be sent by the vice president to all employees suffers from many writing faults, requiring a radical rewrite. YOUR TASK. Analyze the message and list at least five writing faults. Pay special attention to its tone. Your instructor may ask you to revise the message so that it reflects some of the expert writing techniques you learned in this chapter. How can you make this mes sage more courteous, positive, and precise? In addition, think about using familiar words and developing the "you"view. To: All Staff From: Sybil Montrose Subject: Problematic Online Use by Employees Cc: Bcc: Attached: E-Mail and Internet Policy Once again I have the decidedly unpleasant task of reminding all employees that you may NOT utilize company computers or the Internet other than for work-related business and essential personal messages. Effective immediately a new policy must be implemented Our guys in IT tell me that our bandwidth is now seriously compromised by some of you boys and girls who are using company computers for Facebooking, blogging, shopping, chatting, gaming, and downloading streaming video. Yes, we have given you the right to use e-mail responsibly for essential personal messages. That does not, however, include checking your Facebook or other social accounts during work hours or downloading shows or sharing music. We distributed an e-mail policy a little while ago. We have now found it necessary to amplify and extrapolate that policy to include use of the Internet. If our company fails to control its e-mail and Internet use, you will continue to suffer slow downloads and virus intrusions. You may also lose the right to use e- gether. In the past every employee has had the right to senda personal e-mail occasionally, but he must use that right carefully. We don't want to prohibit the personal use of e-mail entirely Don't make me do this! You will be expected to study the attached E-Mail and Internet policy and return the signed form with your agreement to adhere to this policy. You must return this form by March 1. No exceptions! List at least five specific writing fauls and include examples.Explanation / Answer
5 writing faults are:
1. Once again I have the decidedly unpleasant task of reminding all employees that you may not utilize company computers or the Internet othan than for work-related business and essential personal messages.
Once again, I have decided to take the task of reminding all my employees that you are not going to use niether company's computer nor the Internet, until an unless you have work related business and essential personal messages .
2. Effective immediately a new policy must be implemented.
A new policy must be implemented effectively.
3. Our guys in IT tell me that our bandwidth is now seriously compromised by some of you boys and girls who are using company computers for Facebooking , blogging, shopping , chatting , gaming and downloading streaming video.
The IT department has informed me about the bandwidth , which has been compromised by some boys and girls who have been using company's computer in the name of Facebook, shopping, chatting , playing games , streaming video.
4. Yes, we have given you the right to use e-mail responsibly for essential personal messages.
It is true that the company has given you the right to use e-mail responsibly for essential personal messages.
5. That does not , however , include checking your Facebook or other social accounts during work hours or downloading shows or sharing music.
However , It does not include checking your Facebook or other social accounts during work hours , downloading shows and sharing music.
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