2.1 RadicalRewrite:WatchYourTone!(Objs.4,5) The following demanding message to b
ID: 349529 • Letter: 2
Question
2.1 RadicalRewrite:WatchYourTone!(Objs.4,5) The following demanding message to be sent by the vice president to all employees suffers from many writing faults, requiring a radical rewrite.
Your Task. Analyze the message and list at least five writing faults. Pay special attention to its tone. Your instructor may ask you to revise the message so that it reflects some of the expert writing techniques you learned in this chapter. How can you make this mes- sage more courteous, positive, and precise? In addition, think about using familiar words and developing the “you” view.
To: All Staff From: SybilMontrose<smontrose@syracuse.com>
Subject: Problematic Online Use by Employees Cc:
Bcc: Attached: E-Mail and Internet Policy
Once again I have the decidedly unpleasant task of reminding all employees that you may NOT utilize company computers or the Internet other than for work-related business and essential personal messages. Effective immediately a new policy must be implemented.
Our guys in IT tell me that our bandwidth is now seriously compromised by some of you boys and girls who are using company computers for Facebooking, blogging, shopping, chatting, gaming, and downloading streaming video. Yes, we have given you the right to use e-mail responsibly for essential personal messages. That does not, however, include checking your Facebook or other social accounts during work hours or downloading shows or sharing music.
We distributed an e-mail policy a little while ago. We have now found it necessary to amplify and extrapolate that policy to include use of the Internet. If our company fails to control its e-mail and Internet use, you will continue to suffer slow downloads and virus intrusions. You may also lose the right to use e-mail altogether. In the past every employee has had the right to send a personal e-mail occasionally, but he must use that right carefully. We don’t want to prohibit the personal use of e-mail entirely. Don’t make me do this!
You will be expected to study the attached E-Mail and Internet policy and return the signed form with your agreement to adhere to this policy. You must return this form by March 1. No exceptions!
Explanation / Answer
Five writing faults in the message:
1. The message is not at all persuasive in nature.
2. The use of words is condescending. Employees are being addressed as ‘boys and girls’.
3. The message is devoid of respect. Employees should be respected and valued, but this message gives no due respect to the employees.
4. The message is devoid of professionalism. A written message lacks the immediacy and intimacy of a real-time conversation and so a sustainable level of courtesy is required in written messages. This is not so in this case.
5. The message has an aggressive and threatening tone. This is not acceptable in a professional setting.
Revised message:
To: All Staff From: Sybi lMontrose<smontrose@syracuse.com>
Subject: Judicious use of IT infrastructure and internet infrastructure of the company
Attached: Company’s e-mail and internet policy
Dear employees,
I would like to draw your attention to a new policy that the management is contemplating to implement with regards to use of internet at the office. As all of you are well aware that the resources of our company is meant to help you to work in an effective and efficient manner and in a manner that will help you to achieve the goals and objectives of the organization on one hand and accelerate your professional growth, development and advancement on the other hand.
Keeping the above principle in mind all employees are requested to abstain from using the company internet for purposes like Facebooking, blogging, chatting, shopping etc. These activities are unproductive and most importantly are proving to be a burden on the company’s resources. It has reduced the download speed and hence is hampering our professional work. These activities are also making our networks susceptible to viruses.
Keeping the above situation in mind I humbly request all employees to use the internet only for the purpose of professional work and to completely stop using the internet for personal purposes.
Your valuable co-operation in this regards will go a long way in furthering not only the company’s best interests but your best interests as well.
Thanks and Regards,
Mr. John Kipling
(Vice President)
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