phase 3 of the 3x3 writing process which includes revising, proofreading, and ev

Question

phase 3 of the 3x3 writing process which includes revising, proofreading, and evaluating. The most polished and professional communication messages are thoroughly revised.

Study the following message from a bank teller to her supervisor. revise the message to eliminate trite business expressions, buried verbs, there is/there are fillers, flabby expressions, cliches, long lead-ins, and lack of parallelism.

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Message:

Mr. McGuffey,

Pursuant to the fact that you asked for suggestions on how to improve customer relations, I am submitting my idea. I am writing you this message to let you know that I think we can improve customer satisfaction easy by making a change in our counters.

Last October glass barriers were installed at our branch. There are tellers on one side andcustomers on the other. The barriers have air vents to be able to allow us tellers to carry on communication with our customers. Management thought that these barriers that are bullet proof would prevent and stop thieves from catapulting over the counter.

However, there were customers who were surprised by these large glass partitions. Communication through them is really extremely difficult and hard. Both the customer and the teller have to raise their voices to be heard. It's even more of an inconvenience when you are dealing with a person that is elderly or someone who happens to be from another country. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, these new barriers make customers feel that they are being treated impersonal.

I did research into the matter of these barriers and made the discovery that we are the only bank in town with them. There are many other banks that are trying casual kiosks and open counters to make customers feel that they are more at home. Although it may be easier said than done, I suggest that we actually give serious consideration to the removal of these barriers as a beginning and initial step toward improving customer relations.

Ellen Loewy

Explanation / Answer

In the context of the given question, the given passage can be rewritten as :

Dear Mr. McGuffey,

I am keen on sharing my ideas and suggestions to improve our bank infrastructure and enhance our customer's experience banking with us.

While I've noticed that the glass barriers over the counters do work as protection for our staff in case of bullet attacks or robbery, they are also perceived as a major communication barrier as the voice cannot be easily transmitted between the staff and customers, and it is definitely an inconvenience to the elderly people who can't talk loud or to people from another country with a different dialect.

My reccommendation is to get our counters redesigned, and upgraded to the convenience of the customers and our staff. We need to have them modernized to keep pace with our competitors who have invented several unique ways of keeping the customers satisfied.

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