Activity 4: Quinn, Quincy, and the Wedding Fight (Moderating Conflict) Backgroun

Question

Activity 4: Quinn, Quincy, and the Wedding Fight (Moderating Conflict)

Background
Quincy and Quinn have been dating for three years. They’ve recently become engaged and are planning their upcoming wedding (1 month away).

Quinn: Hey, guess what. We got our invitations today. We can write up our final list and mail them out this weekend.

Quincy: I thought you were doing that.

Quinn: You thought I was doing that? You always say you’re going to help, but when it actually comes down to it, you don’t. Or should I say won’t.

Quincy: You know it’s finals, and I have to study. I just don’t have the time.

Quinn: So what do you think I’ve been doing, sitting on my backside? Besides, since when did YOU decide to become a serious student?

Quincy: (under his breath) Here we go again. More like my mother every day.

Quinn: Why don’t you say it loud enough so I can hear it? What exactly is that supposed to mean anyway? Maybe I wouldn’t have to act like your mother if you didn’t act like such a child!

Quincy: Well, somebody’s gotta relax around here. You’re so uptight, and I don’t just mean about the wedding invitations.

Quinn: What do you mean, uptight?

Quincy: Cold, totally disconnected.

Quinn: How am I cold?

Quincy: Like it takes a genius to figure it out.

Quinn: You don’t care about this wedding at all. Do you even care about me at all?

Quincy: That’s ridiculous. You’re right—-I couldn’t care less about the wedding. It’s the wedding night I’m worried about.

Quinn: Oh my God, I can’t believe this is about sex. I’m talking invitations and you’re talking sex. That’s all you care about. Well, sex and football. I don’t know if I’m madder about the wedding or the stupid football games we go to every single week, Mr. Serious College Student. You have plenty of time for that.

Quincy: What do you mean—we haven’t gone the last two weekends because of all this wedding planning.

Quinn: (sarcastically) Well, aren’t you the perfect martyr! You’ve given up so much for me. I’m impressed!

Quincy: (exasperated, but resigned) You know what—just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’ll write the stupid invitations.

Quinn: You could start by picking out your tux.

Quincy. I did. You didn’t like it. Big shocker there.

Quinn: What do you expect me to say about a white tux—nobody wears white tuxes anymore.

Quincy: Well, I like it, and that’s what I’m going to wear.

Quinn: Oh, come on. You’re not really going to wear that. Even your mom said you should wear something more serious. Black would be better.

Quincy: Are we planning for a wedding, or a funeral?

Discussion Questions:

Discuss the role of anger in this conversation.

Choose to be either Quinn or Quincy in this scenario. Then evaluate your (i.e., Quinn’s or Quincy’s) expression of anger. How could you express anger more effectively? In other words, what strategies could have been used to manage the conflict more productively?

Identify the “rules” in this conversation/relationship. According to Shimanoff’s format, write at least two rules you think Quincy and Quinn should formulate for future conflicts.

Give one example of how you could help either person reframe her or his interpretation of the other.

Describe and briefly illustrate two principles of interpersonal nonviolence that Quinn and Quincy could have used to personally intervene in their conflict.

Explanation / Answer

1. Anger plays a major role in this situation. THe conversation begins with a request and the frustration and anxiety of the couple immediately spin out of control. THe request, thus acting as a trigger, causes anger and resentment and negative emotions and feelings begin to come out, thus causing each one to say hurtful statements that they may regret later.

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