Topic & Theme : What is the person, place, issue, incident or thing that is

Question

Topic & Theme: What is the person, place, issue, incident or thing that is the primary focus of the draft?
What’s the big, overarching idea of the draft? What’s the point? Why is it important?

Research: How well is the draft grounded in solid research—facts, quotations, citations, or data from sources
and personal observation? Identify places where you think the point the author makes is well-supported, and
other places where it could use more support.

Openings: Does the draft have a strong “hook” that grabs your attention? Does it lay the foundation of the
argument? What do you suggest to strengthen the opening?

Voice: Does the author’s voice come across in the draft? How would you describe that voice? (e.g.,
authoritative, conversational, descriptive, informative, introspective, observant, humorous)? Where in the
draft does the voice come across, and where does it get lost?

Clarity, Coherence & Consistency: Identify places in the draft where the point is clear, and places where you
find less coherence or consistency. Offer any suggestions you have for making the point clearer and the paper
more coherent and consistent.

The Reign of Capitalism on the Modern Day Throne Capitalism has long been the white knight with its wondrous steed called commercialism, trade, that charged in to free the world of oppressive greed and usurp feudalism's economy. B been noted as an immense impetus to the development of civilization. It has and its sword called free throne over the ut what if its reign has not been as peaceful as we had thought? What if behind the rose-colored curtains of free trade and free will, the engine the runs the whole show is actually the very thing that capitalism was meant to save us Take for example the role of the consumer: The reason why from? capitalism was favored over feudalism in 16th century Europe was because the consumer had the choice to make the most beneficial decision for the individual, thus thriving on profit and stimulating competition for better services and goods. However, based on this same function of business, we find that increasingly private corporations are switching the tables by exploiting the consumer for thein own benefit because what is marketable above all is the commodification of an audience, and information. These two things prove so valuable that in the documentary, "Consuming Kids: The Commercialization of Childhood" the value of a child's life becomes mostly marked by its market value as a potential consumer: "The consumer embryo begins to develop during the first year of existence. Children begin their consumer journey in infancy." These are markers of an underlying truth that what capitalism brings is actually the very opposite of what it promises. It promises power of choice and freedom but ends up creating a system where even the structure of choice and availability of information in a search engine wholly depends on marketability Capitalism in today's day and age endorses a totalitarian domination of private industry over democracy. An individual must give over the right to privacy in order to enjoy simple amenities like social media or music. And if we say no to giving over this freedom, we find it stolen from us under our noses in miniscule forms like the Siri command on our phones. Little things like this draw our attention to the overarching hold capitalism has over the democratic potential of technology and the internet. Another marker for the irony of capitalism is how capitalism subverts the democratic potential of the internet. Robert McChesney's Digital Disconnect recounts a time where the internet used to be free of surveillance, and the claws of marketers and business. It was a space and time for information to be equally heard and shared, but is now the medium in which advertisers commodify the audience, and for the government to kowtow to rivate corporations to indiscriminately tap into private information. In conclusion, the signs that the reign of capitalism is unjust are any other advocate for democracy, even the federal government i its totalitarian stronghold can we choose to fight and look for alternatives. salient. We see capitalism crush tself. And its until we identify

Explanation / Answer

Theme: The given case is for all people in the modern world who are faced with domination due to commercialization of goods and services.

The big overarching idea of the draft is the concept of capitalism which is leading to oppression in the name of free will.It is important to understand how unjust is capitalism and how it is overpowering every decision that we make. This case was an attempt to throw light into this matter so that initiatives of finding alternatives could be made.

Research: The research has a solid base of references. However, certain statistical numbers would have created a better understanding of the situation during the times of feudalism versus capitalism.

Openings: The initial "hook" that grabbed attention was the question in the first paragraph, "But what if its reign has not been as peaceful as we thought?" This invokes a curiosity to read the entire case till the end.

In order to strengthen the opening, the language could have been simpler. A (or a few) familiar day-to-day example(s) of commercialization could have been used instead of the metaphor that was used.

Voice: The author uses a descriptive voice in which the personal viewpoints of the author are based upon researched facts and documents which are being cited in the draft.The author's voice could only be seen in the introduction and conclusion. In the rest of the draft, the author puts across his thoughts with references.

Clarity, Coherence, Consistency: The introduction and the concluding paragraphs are pretty clear, however, the second paragraph gets a little disconnected. The larger goal of the draft, that is to draw a connection between feudalism and capitalism gets hazy at this point.

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