Developmental Psychology Below is the posting of a young woman on a website that

Question

Developmental Psychology

Below is the posting of a young woman on a website that asks strangers for advice about relationships. While this posting has a lot going on, I want you to look for anything that suggests a pattern of attachment -- secure or insecure attachment -- in this adult, intimate relationship. If insecure, what kind of insecure pattern is apparent?

Posting:

"Earlier this year, I found out my boyfriend has been hiding from me a sexual fetish and he has been watching porn of this sexual nature. He has a smoking fetish. I don't smoke, and he never told me about it in the year we were dating. He said he wouldn't watch it anymore and that I helped him through it, but I know he's still attracted to it and I still have issues with it. It hurts me that what he wants is a promiscuous girl who smokes, and I am not this type. It's caused me to rebel a lot lately, and I really love him and only want him but the sheer anger almost makes me want to cheat just to get back at him. A lot of times I get irrationally angry and hurt towards him and I really think this is the underlying issue. Prior to this discovery if you will, he has made me insecure about my weight and looks because I am a short dark haired girl, and he normally prefers tall blondes or redheads. He checks out other girls in front of me sometimes, which makes me really upset because it is this underlying message that I am not what gets him off. He tells me all the time how attractive I am, but I still have this pain underneath it all. What do you suggest I do to make myself feel better? Aside from these problems we have a loving happy relationship. Bottom line is it really hurts me that he watched/watches porn and couldn't be open and honest with me about what he liked, all the while making me feel insecure because I knew intuitively something just wasn't right."

Explanation / Answer

Attachment styles are deeply rooted in one's childhood. Attachment styles depend on how a child responds to a parent and the bond that they share. Taking the above case for instance, the young woman has characteristics of ambivalent attachment. It is a type of an insecure attachment style where an individual worries about their partner not loving them. It is a nagging feeling which arises from low self-esteem and insecurity of a partner leaving. Researches show that children who exhibit characteristics of an ambivalent attachment style often show displeasure and throw tantrums when their parents are not available for them. This leads them to be insecure and makes them fear that they'll leave them and never come back. The young girl has an insecure pattern of attachment.

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