Limiting Paragraph Length You can achieve clarity and conciseness if you limit t

Question

Limiting Paragraph Length You can achieve clarity and conciseness if you limit the length of your paragraphs. An excessively long paragraph (beyond six typed lines) requires too much work for your reader. Revise the following paragraplh to make it more reader-friendly. Type the revised paragraph below the paragraph to be corrected. As you know, we use electronics to process freight and documentation. We are in the process of having terminals placed in the export departments of some of our major customers around the country so they may keep track of all their shipments within our system. I would like to propose a similar tracking mechanism for your company. We could handle all of your export traffic from your locations around the country and monitor these exports with a terminal located in your home office. This could have many advantages for you. You could generate an export invoice in your export department, which could be transmitted via the computer to our office. You could trace your shipments more readily. This would all you to determine rating fees more accurately. Finally, your accounting department would benefit. All in all, your export operations would achieve greater efficiency.

Explanation / Answer

We are currently in the process of using electronics in the export departments of some of our major customers around the country so that they can keep track of their shipments through our system. You being one of them, we propose to handle all of your traffic from across the country and locate them from your home office. It would help build solid database about traffic movement, track the shipments more readily and detrermine rating fees more accurately, your account department being the winner. In short, we intend to make your export operations more and more efficient.

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